Recently I have been struggling with the conflict of what I consider two very frustratingly difficult worlds. I can remain a stay-at-home mom and student while constantly stressing about whether we can buy groceries this month (and if not, then where to obtain assistance for said groceries), or I can return to the work field to remove some of the bread-winning burden from my husband, while thrusting some of my own duties upon him and others to care for children and home. Either choice pulls at my heart strings. I know we need to do all we can to be self sufficient, and until recently, Ammon's work was capable of doing that. However, things being what they are in a possibly-temporary/possibly-not situation, we can't rely on only that anymore. My getting a job is a possibility, but I can't pay for daycare, and though I have a pile of wonderful people I can turn to in a pinch, I feel a knot in my stomach when I think about forcing them to care for my children (for free) so I can earn money. Some people do it without guilt (and I'm not judging), but I couldn't. That doesn't even add onto the fact that work and school and mothering don't mingle well. I didn't like the stressed-out angry Lindsey from last year, and I'm scared going to work might bring her back with a vengeance.
That being said, as I was wiping down the kitchen cabinets (realizing the mixture of dust and grease on them was probably 4 years old), I began thinking about all my responsibilities as a mom, and morbidly wondered if there wasn't someone out there that would do it better. Then I realized comparing myself to others like that is Satan's idea of improvement, not the best way to go about it. God wants me to be the best ME I can be, so I wont dwell on the negative. Then I thought about the system Ammon's work has for the employees' yearly review. Different tasks or qualities (punctuality, initiative) are rated by the employee and their supervisor (from exceeds expectations all the way down to fails expectations), and from this rating it is determined if they're deserving of a raise (or firing).
Now, because there are very few people who can determine my value as a mom, especially since everybody moms differently I figured I would jokingly list of some of my tasks and the quality at which I perform them. Keep in my mind, this is entirely for me to think about how I can improve and be better and I want to get some of your perspectives as well...
POSITION: MOTHER
LOCATION: HOME
TIME SPENT IN POSITION: 4 YEARS
CURRENT PAY: ZIPPO, except a whole lot of love
RATE FROM 10 (Exceeds expectations) to 0 (Fails miserably)
*PRODUCTION*
How many children have you popped out?
Rating: 7
Comments: I have had 2, but one is extra large and both are stinkin' cute!
*PUNCTUALITY*
Meets arrival time for all tasks?
> Rating: 4
Comments: I tend to sleep in a bit, so I often don't give the kids breakfast until after 9:30, an hour or so after they have woken up. However, in my defense I would have them fed right when they get up, but I like to be showered and ready for the day before I deal with the kids.
*PATIENCE*
Deals with children without losing temper?
Rating: 2
Comments: I've gotten better over the last 6 months but still need much improvement
*PERSONAL EDUCATION*
Prepared to deal with all aspects of being a mom through research and observation?
Rating: 9
Comments: I may not follow or even agree with everyone's advice (cause that's impossible), but I like to get a broad spectrum of perspectives to make the best choices for my family.
*SPIRITUAL TRAINING*
Ensuring a child's understanding of gospel principles and stories?
Rating: 6
Comments: I try to initiate FHE on most Mondays, and we say family prayer almost every night. But that's about it.
*PHYSICAL HEALTH*
Providing good food, active play, clean environment and necessary health care.
Rating: 9
Comments: I am the veggie Nazi and I make sure my kids get the best food our money can buy. As for keeping them active and giving them new experiences, it comes and goes, but I'm always trying.
*PRIORITY*
Places being a mom above all other tasks?
>Rating: 8
Comments: Though I'm not perfect, I am anal about making sure my kids come first.
